Reflecting back, I know why I insisted on relational space. Simply put, I feared the potential of pain. In a strange way, I detested relationships because they removed my perceived control over my life. Regarding my relationship with God, I resorted to exclusively serving him with my hands instead of also loving him with my heart.
I have joked in the past that I would rather be a hermit somewhere in the woods. I create barriers to relationship. And create isolation because I feel it is better to be left alone in the woods of our own mind. I don’t like giving up control, or at the very least, I like to think I have control.
In reality, I have no control and it is difficult to come to this realization. It is very much like driving a car in the snow and losing control. The sooner you realize you don`t have control and stop fighting the spin, the sooner you can learn to steer into the spin and the sooner it will stop. It`s similar to life. When we should be sitting in the passenger`s seat, we have our hands on the wheel, careening out of control. We think we are in control but we are not.
Carrie Underwood’s song gives the best advice for life: Jesus take the wheel / Take it from my hands / Cause I can’t do this on my own / I’m letting go / So give me one more chance / Save me from this road I’m on.
But are we willing to let other people in? Are we willing to let Jesus take the wheel of life?
I hope so. I’m trying to do so. Pray with me. Join with me as I journey with Jesus.